Sometimes life throws you lemons and other times it throws gifts… Just in time for my lecture on feature articles I get served this up on a platter… A platter of such epic proportions I don’t even know where to start. Maybe I’ll peruse the wine list?
Sure it seems like I’m just glibly chit-chatting away about something that’s hashtag trending but there’s so much that can be said about this article I don’t even know where to go with this… Taking a leaf out of my own gospel I guess I’ll go where I tell my students to go…
“HEADLINE… HEADLINE… HEADLINE…”
“Brad Pitt talks Divorce, Quitting Drinking, and Becoming a Better Man”. (Clue maybe by reading this article I’ll become a better man? How has he done it? What does it take?- Quitting drinking is a start sadly… I’m not sure I’m on board Brad… Does divorce make you a terrible person? In any event Brad is definitely on some bodacious journey I can’t wait to read on…) A clue for students… this is called PRIMING. Headlines should prime the shit out of you… you should be asking yourself questions before you’ve even delved head first into the soft lead…
DESCRIPTIVE LEAD (Soft lead… there are many types)… You had me at matcha tea Brad… Call Adele and Lionel and tell them matcha tea is the new hello. In the words of Lionel it’s not “me” or even “tea you’re looking for…” oh hell no it’s “matcha tea”. As if the writer couldn’t fit in enough metaphors matcha tea becomes a metaphor for just how tragic Brad’s life has become… No booze, no pot, no caffeine… it’s all #wholesome #liveclean #vom.
Feature articles are all about themes or tropes. While this article may be a veritable barf festival it sure is visual… and I haven’t even got to the photographs yet. Aside from the metaphors and descriptions of Brad’s new vibe it’s also littered with irony… and sadly I’m not sure it’s intentional? Brad makes stuff… he makes matcha tea… making coffee is a bridge too far though… Brad make fire… Brad real man.
The prices (The Issey Miyake white jumpsuit for $1500… Johnson’s Workwear might be onto something?) underneath all of the astonishingly-epic-over-styled photographs just add magic. Literally fucking MAGIC. Again the irony is alarming.
Have I mentioned irony? Do GQ readers know what irony is? I’m not sure…
The total dreamy eyed mist of the author literally licking Brad’s balls while trying to maintain “I’m a serious journo” is also a rare treat… This should be a warning to any fresh out of varsity writer… This writer is so fresh it’s like Brad gave birth to him… and maybe in a metaphorical way he did you know?
This article asks so many questions… I’d argue too many… This damn writer is so overzealous he’s giving me a headache… Not only is he asking questions, but Brad is asking questions, and then there are questions within questions… It’s as if Brad has become a metaphor for the greatest existential crisis since Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah’s sofa… These Hollywood men really are off the reservation.
The lesson here is that GQ should avoid anything remotely philosophical… Maybe for your average GQ reader this article has the answer to all life’s big questions… Maybe it IS as deep as the caves Brad grew up in… But for the rest of us… it’s as if Brad makes stuff… makes stuff up.
My favourite mantra (hey I can be Brad too) is “If this is your land where are your stories?” I claim this place Doucheville… And Brad LITERALLY looks like the flag that claims it. Seriously in some of the photos he’s doing flag poses… Flag poses?! And that’s not even the worst of it… He’s trying to make face planting sexy again… Drunk women everywhere thank you for this.
Maybe I’ll wake up from this technicolour Brad simulacrum… But I hope not… I need to dine out on this material for a bit longer.
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